proposed by the vigilant minister to his assistant, "I have not seen him
among us," continued he, "these three weeks; I hope it is not
Protestantism that keeps him away," "No," was the reply, "it is worse
than that." "Worse than Protestantism? God forbid it should,--Deism?"
"No, worse than that." "Worse than Deism! good heavens, I trust it is
not Atheism." "No, worse than Atheism!" "Impossible, nothing can be
worse than Atheism!" "Yes, it is, your honour--_it is Rheumatism_!"

* * * * *

LIQUIDATING CLAIMS.

During a remarkable wet summer, Joe Vernon, whose vocal taste and humour
contributed for many years to the entertainment of the frequenters of
Vauxhall Gardens, but who was not quite so good a _timist_ in money
matters as in music, meeting an acquaintance who had the misfortune to
hold some of his unhonoured paper, was asked by him, not uninterestedly,
how the gardens were going on? "Oh, _swimmingly_!" answered the jocose
Joe. "Glad to hear it," retorted the creditor, "their _swimming_ state,
I hope, will cause the singers to _liquidate their notes_."

* * * * *

Mr. Samuel Deacon, a most respectable Baptist minister, who resided at
Barton in Leicestershire, was not peculiarly happy in his cast of
countenance or general appearance; conscious of the silly ridicule his
unprepossessing _tout ensemble_ occasionally excited, he made the
following good-humoured, quaint remark:--

"The carcass that you look at so,