there might be hope." But this persuasion soon vanished. "In three or
four days I began to despair again." He found it harder than ever to
pray. The devil urged that God was weary of him; had been weary for
years past; that he wanted to get rid of him and his "bawlings in his
ears," and therefore He had let him commit this particular sin that he
might be cut off altogether. For such an one to pray was but to add sin
to sin. There was no hope for him. Christ might indeed pity him and
wish to help him; but He could not, for this sin was unpardonable. He
had said "let Him go if He will," and He had taken him at his word.
"Then," he says, "I was always sinking whatever I did think or do." Years
afterwards he remembered how, in this time of hopelessness, having walked
one day, to a neighbouring town, wearied out with his misery, he sat down
on a settle in the street to ponder over his fearful state. As he looked
up, everything he saw seemed banded together for the destruction of so
vile a sinner. The "sun grudged him its light, the very stones in the
streets and the tiles on the house-roofs seemed to bend themselves
against him." He burst forth with a grievous sigh, "How can God comfort
such a wretch as I?" Comfort was nearer than he imagined. "No sooner
had I said it, but this returned to me, as an echo doth answer a voice,
'This sin is not unto death.'" This breathed fresh life into his soul.
He was "as if he had been raised out of a grave." "It was a release to
me from my former bonds, a shelter from my former storm." But though the
storm was allayed it was by no means over. He had to struggle hard to
maintain his ground. "Oh, how did Satan now lay about him for to bring
me down again. But he could by no means do it, for this sentence stood
like a millpost at my back." But after two days the old despairing
thoughts returned, "nor could his faith retain the word." A few hours,
however, saw the return of his hopes. As he was on his knees before
going to bed, "seeking the Lord with strong cries," a voice echoed his
prayer, "I have loved Thee with an everlasting love." "Now I went to bed