"Can't send any, can't he?" exclaimed BEZZLE, wide awake. "All right.
Just go to Mr. SNAPPETY, the dramatic editor, for me, and tell him not
to say one word about that theatre in his criticism to-morrow, I'll
teach Mr. PUPPET," etc., etc., etc.

SPIFFKINS.

* * * * *

TURKEYS--A FANTASY.

[Illustration: Bishop of Turkey]

We hear a great deal from scientific men about the influence of climate,
atmosphere, and even the proximity of certain mineral substances, upon
the life and welfare of man; but there is yet another vein to be worked
in this region of human knowledge. Taking a chance train of ideas--an
excursion-train, we may say--which came in our way on last Thanksgiving,
we were brought to some interesting conclusions in regard to the
influence exercised by the turkey upon human affairs. The annual
happiness of how many thousands at the return of Thanksgiving Day--the
unfed woes of how many thousands more--does this estimable fowl revolve
within his urbane crop! Every kernel of grain which he picks from the
barn-floor may represent an instant of masticatory joy held in store for
some as yet unconscious maxillary; we may weigh the bird by the amount
of happiness he will afford. When we go to market, to barter for our
Thanksgiving turkey, we inquire substantially of the spruce vender,
glistening in his white apron: "How much gustatory delight does yonder
cock contain?" And he, gross slave of matter, doth respond, giving the
estimate in dollars and parts of dollars!