'Yet already have I not gone too far? Like a repentant thief, afraid of
his gang, and obliged to go on, in fear of hanging till he comes to be
hanged, I am afraid of the gang of my cursed contrivances.

'As I hope to live, I am sorry, (at the present writing,) that I have
been such a foolish plotter, as to put it, as I fear I have done, out of
my own power to be honest. I hate compulsion in all forms; and cannot
bear, even to be compelled to be the wretch my choice has made me! So
now, Belford, as thou hast said, I am a machine at last, and no free
agent.

'Upon my soul, Jack, it is a very foolish thing for a man of spirit to
have brought himself to such a height of iniquity, that he must proceed,
and cannot help himself, and yet to be next to certain, that this very
victory will undo him.

'Why was such a woman as this thrown into my way, whose very fall will
be her glory, and, perhaps, not only my shame but my destruction?

'What a happiness must that man know, who moves regularly to some
laudable end, and has nothing to reproach himself with in his progress
to do it! When, by honest means, he attains his end, how great and
unmixed must be his enjoyments! What a happy man, in this particular
case, had I been, had it been given me to be only what I wished to appear
to be!'

Thus far had my conscience written with my pen; and see what a recreant
she had made of me!--I seized her by the throat--There!--There, said I,
thou vile impertinent!--take that, and that!--How often have I gave thee