I asked bearded men if they knew of anywhere in the country where one
could slip away in order to grow a beard, but they always gave me
evasive replies, such as: "Why not have an illness and stay in bed for
three months?" But when I went on to ask where they had grown theirs,
they either made an excuse to leave me or said evasively, "Oh, I've
always had mine."

I once went to the enormous expense of making a bearded Scotch
acquaintance intoxicated in order to drag the secret from him, but
the question as to where he grew his beard instantly sobered him, and
nothing would induce him to touch another drop.

I have bribed barbers without success. I have vainly shadowed men for
a month who looked as if they intended growing beards. I even took
advantage of Armageddon to join the Navy, where beards are permitted;
but when I tried to start growing one I was instantly reprimanded for
not shaving by a bearded Commander, who had the same triumphant gleam of
superiority which I had noticed ashore.

In the Old Testament there was no secrecy on the subject. Somebody said,
"Tarry in Jericho until your beards be grown." But I am quite satisfied
in my own mind that modern beard-growers do not go to Jericho; I have
established this fact. No, there are in England properly organised
beard-nurseries, and the secret of their whereabouts is jealously
guarded; but I have by no means relaxed my determination to discover
them, and to give to the world the results of my research.

* * * * *

GRAND REFUSALS.