devising suicidal schemes; for I now thought my physical condition
satisfactory to my enemies, and was sure that my trial could not be
postponed beyond the next opening of the courts in September. I even
went so far as to talk to one of the attendants, a medical student, who
during the summer worked as an attendant at the hospital. I approached
him artfully. First I asked him to procure from the library for me "The
Scarlet Letter," "The House of the Seven Gables," and other books; then
I talked medicine and finally asked him to lend me a textbook on
anatomy which I knew he had in his possession. This he did, cautioning
me not to let anyone know that he had done so. The book once secured, I
lost no time in examining that part which described the heart, its
functions, and especially its exact position in the body. I had
scarcely begun to read when the young man returned and took the book
from me, giving as his reason that an attendant had no right to let a
patient read a medical work. Maybe his change of heart was
providential.

As is usual in these institutions, all knives, forks, and other
articles that might be used by a patient for a dangerous purpose were
counted by the attendants after each meal. This I knew, and the
knowledge had a deterrent effect. I dared not take one. Though I might
at any time during the night have hanged myself, that method did not
appeal to me, and I kept it in mind only as a last resort. To get
possession of some sharp dagger-like instrument which I could plunge
into my heart at a moment's notice--this was my consuming desire. With
such a weapon I felt that I could, when the crisis came, rob the
detectives of their victory. During the summer months an employé spent
his entire time mowing the lawn with a large horse-drawn machine. This,
when not in use, was often left outdoors. Upon it was a square wooden
box, containing certain necessary tools, among them a sharp, spike-like