At length, dearest Mary, I may write to you; at length indulge my
long-controlled wishes. My conscience has given me permission now,
though I once thought I never could again. We parted in August, and it
is now January; and except during our little tour, you have not had one
line from me, but very many more than one from Caroline and Ellen. I
used to wrong them, but I am glad I adhered to mamma's advice and my
resolution, painful as it has been; for it did seem hard that I, who
consider myself even more my dear Mary's own friend, should not address
you when my sister and cousin did. And now to explain this riddle, for
though mamma has excused my silence to you, I am quite sure she has not
told you the real truth. She would not expose my silly weakness, and
therefore prepare yourself for a most humiliating confession, which
will, in all probability, lower me ten degrees in your estimation.
However, truth must he told, and so it shall be with all the necessary
regularity and precision. _You_ know, almost better than any one else,
how very much I disliked the thought of leaving dear happy Oakwood, and
residing any part of the year in London. You often used to warn me, when
I have thus spoken, against permitting such fancies to obtain too much
dominion; but I did not follow your advice, dear Mary, but indulged them
till, of course, they became so heightened that the last month of our
sojourn at Oakwood was embittered by the anticipation. I saw you thought
me foolish, and I knew that mamma and papa's plans could not be altered
to please my fancy, and that my confessed distaste to them would give
pain to both: therefore, I concealed my dislike, but instead of doing
all I could to conquer it, encouraged every gloomy anticipation to the
very utmost. I found, during our delightful tour through the south of
England, I could enjoy myself, but still the thoughts of London, and
masters, and strangers, and the fancy our style of living would be so
different in the metropolis to what it was in Oakwood, and that I should
not see nearly as much of mamma, all chose to come, like terrifying