ever told you that I had a dashing military career extending over four
months, three of which I spent in hospital for a disease I hadn't got?
Then I was discharged as unfit. After a year they raked me in again.
Since then I've been boarded five times, and on the unimpeachable
authority of various R.A.M.C. Colonels I've been afflicted with valvular
disease of the heart, incipient tuberculosis, rickets, varicose veins,
diabetes--practically everything, except spotted fever and leprosy. And
now flat feet are added to all the rest. Even the Russian collapse and
the transfer of the entire German army to the Western Front hasn't
raised me higher than C 3.

MRS. CULVER. How annoying for you! You might have risen to be a captain
by this time.

HILDEGARDE (_reflectively_). No doubt, in a home unit. But if he'd gone
to the Front he would still have been a second lieutenant.

MRS. CULVER. My _dear_!

TRANTO. Whereas in fact I'm still one of those able-bodied young
shirkers in mufti that patriotic old gentlemen in clubs are always
writing to my uncles' papers about.

MRS. CULVER. Please! please! (_A slight pause; pulling herself
together; cheerfully_.) Let me see, you were going in for Siege
Artillery, weren't you?

TRANTO. Me! Siege Artillery. My original ambition was trench
mortars--not so noisy.