substances have been removed.

[Illustration: Nicholas III, shaving.]

"This is the latest method, an official taster having been formerly
employed, but owing to the exorbitant rate of insurance on such
officers and the rapid decimation of the royal retinue, that plan was
recently abandoned. After finishing his repast the Czar receives the
morning papers, previously disinfected, and after reading the news,
sentences a few nihilists to death by means of a long-distance
telephone.

[Illustration: The court chemist analyzes the Czar's breakfast.]

"In Germany the situation is almost as bad. The Kaiser spends the
entire morning endeavoring to suppress an incipient revolution, and
after convicting several editors for 'les majeste,' drives around the
streets of Berlin, wearing a baseball mask and making speeches to his
soldiers, upon whom he urges the necessity of constant watchfulness.

"The young potentate of the Celestial empire is not far behind. He
keeps one eye on the dowager and the other on Li Hung Chang, while he
sends out harikari mandates to troublesome officials, and stands off
the Russian ambassador. Last, but not least, is the Sultan of Turkey,
who has a large family to provide for and who keeps a man busy issuing
promissory notes to Uncle Sam so that his wives may be properly
supplied with filigree hair pins and divided skirts. They say he
recently bought the entire stock of an insolvent dry goods store for
his harem, and it only went half way around.