_Mr. M.-J._ You'd _better_, that's all! Are you ready? I must screw
myself up another peg before I begin. (_He screws._) Now, then.
(_Stands over her and dictates._) "To the polished urbanity of a
perfect gentleman, he unites the kindly charity of a true Christian."
(Why the devil don't you learn to write decently, eh?) "Liberal, and
even lavish, in all his dealings, he is yet a stern foe to every
kind of excess"--(Hold on a bit, I must have another nip after
that)--"every kind of excess. Our married life is one long dream of
blissful contentment, in which each contends with the other in loving
self-sacrifice." (Haven't you corked all that down _yet_!) "Such
cares and anxieties as he has, he conceals from me with scrupulous
consideration as long as possible"--(Gad, I should be a fool
if I _didn't_!)--"while I am ever sure of finding in him a
patient and sympathetic listener to all my trifling worries and
difficulties."--(_Two_ f's in difficulties, you little fool--can't you
even _spell_?) "Many a time, falling on his knees at my feet, he has
rapturously exclaimed, his accents broken by manly emotion, 'Oh, that
I were more worthy of such a pearl among women! With such a helpmate,
I am indeed to be envied!'" That _ought_ to do the trick. If I don't
romp in after that!--(_Observing that Mrs. M.-J.'s shoulders are
convulsed._) What the dooce are you giggling at _now_?

_Mrs. M.-J._ I--I wasn't giggling, MONARCH dear, only--

_Mr. M.-J._ Only _what_? _Mrs. M.-J._ Only crying!


THE SEQUEL.

"The Judges appointed by the spirited proprietors of _All Sorts_