were going. Yes, my dear fellow," he sighed, "if only you knew how
afraid I am of my ordinary everyday thoughts, in which one would
have thought there should be nothing dreadful. To prevent myself
thinking I distract my mind with work and try to tire myself out
that I may sleep sound at night. Children, a wife--all that seems
ordinary with other people; but how that weighs upon me, my dear
fellow!"

He rubbed his face with his hands, cleared his throat, and laughed.

"If I could only tell you how I have played the fool in my life!"
he said. "They all tell me that I have a sweet wife, charming
children, and that I am a good husband and father. They think I am
very happy and envy me. But since it has come to that, I will tell
you in secret: my happy family life is only a grievous misunderstanding,
and I am afraid of it." His pale face was distorted by a wry smile.
He put his arm round my waist and went on in an undertone:

"You are my true friend; I believe in you and have a deep respect
for you. Heaven gave us friendship that we may open our hearts and
escape from the secrets that weigh upon us. Let me take advantage
of your friendly feeling for me and tell you the whole truth. My
home life, which seems to you so enchanting, is my chief misery and
my chief terror. I got married in a strange and stupid way. I must
tell you that I was madly in love with Masha before I married her,
and was courting her for two years. I asked her to marry me five
times, and she refused me because she did not care for me in the
least. The sixth, when burning with passion I crawled on my knees
before her and implored her to take a beggar and marry me, she
consented. . . . What she said to me was: 'I don't love you, but I