makes it lovable, is lacking, turns out badly, when everything
escapes, when not the slightest wish is realised, when everything
vanishes, everything deceives. No, to go on in this way is
impossible. So I believe that God will recall me soon. It is not in
vain that two mirrors were broken this year. People will say that
when we are young, we often feel a desire to die, but that is
nonsense. I have no desire to die; but I foresee my own death, for a
life so useless, so miserable, cannot last.

I have interrupted myself ten times to weep and to think of this
summer; when I compare it with the present I am thoroughly wretched.
How many lost illusions! What hopes deceived! And I am rid of them.
I was going to say that my heart is torn, but it is not true; my
heart is whole, my mind is embittered, and deceptions destroy man.
Let us surround our hearts with triple brass. I will trouble myself
no more about this man. I will no longer think of him, I will no
longer speak of him as before, I forbid myself to do it.


October 24th, 1875.

I boasted of my conduct yesterday; there was no reason for it; if I
appeared indifferent it was because I was indifferent. These people
don't know how to talk; the Arts, history, one doesn't even hear
their names. I feel that I am gradually growing stupid. I am doing
nothing. I want to go to Rome--to take up my lessons again. I am
bored. I feel myself being gradually enveloped in the spider's web
which covers everything here, but I am struggling, I am reading.

At the theatre P---- with R----, her good friend, as they say in