childhood, I was gowned like a grown person. That is where the
difficulty lies--to be like a grown person and yet not extravagant
and overdressed.

Later I felt very unhappy and began to sing: "Knowst thou the land?"
and fell on my knees, weeping. Why? It is a relief to lie on the
ground. Because, in the last scene, a love scene, P---- had in her
voice--it gave one a thrill--I would die for the truth--and
joyfully.

This is it, he who slays with the sword shall perish by the sword.

It seems as if I had loved. I feel in despair; I don't know why, but
it was a torturing feeling and made me weep.


Tuesday, November 16th, 1875.

I left Nice to-day with my aunt, I was ready to cry every instant.

"Do you want a pillow?" she asked.

"No."

"Are you ill?"

"No."

"But you look so pale."