* * * * *

"REVOLTED MORTIMER."

[Dr. MORTIMER GRANVILLE, in a letter to the _Times_,
attacks the logic and disputes the dogmas of the fanatical
Teetotaller, and carries the war into the enemy's country by
boldly asserting that "incalculable harm has been done to the
average human organism, with its functions, which we are wont
to classify as mental and physical, by the spread of teetotal
views and practices."]

Oho! Doctor MORTIMER GRANVILLE,
You are scarcely as bland as DE BANVILLE.
On the Knights of the Pump
Your assertions come thump
Like an old Cyclops' "sledge" on his anvil.

Fanatical logic _is_ "quisby";
Each crank in his bonnet has _his_ bee.
They swagger, dod rot'em!--
Like loud Bully _Bottom_
When playing the _Thraso_ to "_Thisby_."

Total abstinence purely pernicious?
Oh, Doctor, that's really delicious!
That's turning the tables
On faddists, whose fables
Do make the judicious suspicious.