It is customary for the best man to wake up about noon of the
following day. You will not have the slightest idea as to where
you are or how you got there. You will be wearing your dress
trousers, your stiff or pleated bosom dress shirt, black socks
and pumps, and the coat of your pajamas. In one hand you will be
clutching a chrysanthemum. After a few minutes there will come a
low moan from the next bed. That is usually the groom, also in
evening dress with the exception that he has tried to put on the
trousers of your pajamas over his dress trousers. You then say,
"What happened?" to which he replies, "Oh, Judas." You wait
several minutes. In the next room you hear the sound of a shower
bath and some one whistling. The bath stops; the whistling
continues. The door then opens and there enters one of the
ushers. He is the usher who always "feels great" the next day
after the bachelor dinner. He says to you, "Well, boys, you look
all in." You do not reply. He continues, "Gosh, I feel fine." You
make no response. He then begins to chuckle, "I don't suppose you
remember," he says, "what you said to the bride's mother when I
brought you home last night." You sit quickly up in bed. "What
did I say?" you ask. "Was I tight?" "Were you tight?" he replies,
still chuckling. "Don't you remember what you said? And don't you
remember trying to get the bride's father to slide down the
banisters with you? Were you tight--Oh, my gosh!" He then exits,
chuckling. Statistics of several important life insurance
companies show that that type of man generally dies a violent
death before the age of thirty.


THE REHEARSAL