f'r five minyits in his inside pocket th' patient showed signs iv
recovery an' is now again in his accustomed health.'

"Yes, sir, if I was a doctor I'd be ayether laughin' or cryin' all th'
time. I'd be laughin' over th' cases that I was called into whin I
wasn't needed an' cryin' over th' cases where I cud do no good. An'
that wud be most iv me cases.

"Dock O'Leary comes in here often an' talks medicine to me. 'Ye'ers is a
very thrying pro-fissyon,' says I. 'It is,' says he. 'I'm tired out,'
says he. 'Have ye had a good manny desprit cases to-day?' says I. 'It
isn't that,' says he, 'but I'm not a very muscular man,' he says, 'an'
some iv th' windows in these old frame houses are hard to open,' he
says. Th' Dock don't believe much in dhrugs. He says that if he wasn't
afraid iv losin' his practice he wudn't give annybody annything but
quinine an' he isn't sure about that. He says th' more he practises
medicine th' more he becomes a janitor with a knowledge iv cookin'. He
says if people wud on'y call him in befure they got sick, he'd abolish
ivry disease in th' ward except old age an' pollyticks. He says he's
lookin' forward to th' day whin th' tillyphone will ring an' he'll hear
a voice sayin': 'Hurry up over to Hinnissy's. He niver felt so well in
his life.' 'All right, I'll be over as soon as I can hitch up th'
horse. Take him away fr'm th' supper table at wanst, give him a pipeful
iv tobacco an' walk him three times around th' block.'

"But whin a man's sick, he's sick an' nawthin' will cure him or
annything will. In th' old days befure ye an' I were born, th' doctor
was th' barber too. He'd shave ye, cut ye'er hair, dye ye'er mustache,
give ye a dhry shampoo an' cure ye iv appindicitis while ye were havin'
ye'er shoes shined be th' naygur. Ivry gineration iv doctors has had