Island has made me th' akel iv anny Chink that iver rolled a pill. Th'
tariff bill wudden't be complete without that there item. But it ought
to read: 'Opyum f'r smokin' while readin' th' tariff bill.' Ye can take
this sterlin' piece iv lithrachoor to a bunk with ye an' light a ball iv
hop. Befure ye smoke up p'raps ye can't see where th' tariff has been
rejooced. But afther ye've had a long dhraw it all becomes clear to ye.
Ye'er worries about th' childhren's shoes disappear an' ye see
ye'ersilf floatin' over a purple sea iv alazarin, in ye'er private
yacht, lulled be th' London _Times_, surrounded be wurruks iv art more
thin twinty years old, atin' marshmallows an' canary bur-rd seed, while
th' turtles an' leeches frisk on th' binnacle.

"Well, sir, if nobody else has read th' debates on th' tariff bill, I
have. An' I'll tell ye, Hinnissy, that no such orathry has been heerd in
Congress since Dan'l Webster's day, if thin. Th' walls iv Congress hall
has resounded with th' loftiest sintimints. Hinnery Cabin Lodge in
accents that wud melt th' heart iv th' coldest mannyfacthrer iv button
shoes has pleaded f'r freedom f'r th' skins iv cows. I'm sorry to say
that this appeal fr'm th' cradle iv our liberties wasn't succissful. Th'
hide iv th' pauperized kine iv Europe will have to cough up at th'
custom house befure they can be convarted into brogans. This pathriotic
result was secured be th' gallant Bailey iv Texas. A fine lib'ral minded
fellow, that lad Bailey. He's an ardint free thrader, mind ye. He's
almost a slave to th' historic principles iv th' Dimmycratic party. Ye
bet he is. But he's no blamed bigot. He can have principles an' he can
lave thim alone. An' I want to tell ye, me frind, that whin it comes to
disthributin' th' honors f'r this reform iv th' tariff, don't ye fail to
throw a few flowers, or, if bricks are handier, bricks at th'
riprisintatives iv our small but gallant party. It was a fine thing to
see thim standin' be th' battle cry iv our grand old organyzation.