Punch, or the London Charivari. Volume 1, July 31, 1841 by Various
page 42 of 65 (64%)
page 42 of 65 (64%)
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And what is the result I draw from this? This simple one--that, of all men
living, I am the most qualified to be a CRITIC, and hereby offer myself to your notice in that capacity. Recollect, I am always at Home--Fleet Prison, Letter L, fourth staircase, paupers'-ward--for a guinea, and a bottle of Hodges' Cordial, I will do anything. I will, for that sum, cheerfully abuse my own father or mother. I can smash Shakspeare; I can prove Milton to be a driveller, or the contrary: but, for preference, take, as I have said, the abusive line. Send me over then, Mr. P., any person's works whose sacrifice you may require. I will cut him up, sir; I will flay him--flagellate him--finish him! You had better not send me (unless you have a private grudge against the authors, when I am of course at your service)--you had better not send me any works of real merit; for I am infallibly prepared to show that there is not any merit in them. I have not been one of the great unread for forty-three years, without turning my misfortunes to some account. Sir, I know how to make use of my adversity. I have been accused, and rightfully too, of swindling, forgery, and slander. I have been many times kicked down stairs. I am totally deficient in personal courage; but, though I can't fight, I can rail, ay, and well. Send me somebody's works, and you'll see how I will treat them. Will you have personal scandal? I am your man. I will swear away the character, not only of an author, but of his whole family--the female members of it especially. Do you suppose I care for being beaten? Bah! I no more care for a flogging than a boy does at Eton: and only let the flogger beware--I will be a match for him, I warrant you. The man who beats me is a coward; for he knows I won't resist. Let the dastard strike me then, or leave me, as he likes; but, for a choice, I prefer abusing women, who have |
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