Great was my joy when I believed I had proved completely to my own
satisfaction that I was not destined to go to hell. The stony,
oppressive dogmas of orthodox theology I very early explained away,
perhaps assisted in this by two circumstances. Firstly, I heard these
expressions used over and over again, from my habit of being present at
the lessons given by my father in our own house, in preparation for
confirmation. I heard them used also in all sorts of ways, so that my
mind almost unconsciously constructed some sort of explanation of them.
Secondly, I was often a mute witness of the strict way in which my
father performed his pastoral duties, and of the frequent scenes between
him and the many people who came to the parsonage to seek advice and
consolation. I was thus again constantly attracted from the outer to the
inner aspects of life. Life, with its inmost motives laid bare, passed
before my eyes, with my father's comments pronounced upon it; and thing
and word, act and symbol were thus perceived by me in their most vivid
relationship. I saw the disjointed, heavy-laden, torn, inharmonious life
of man as it appeared in this community of five thousand souls, before
the watchful eyes of its earnest, severe pastor. Matrimonial and sexual
circumstances especially were often the objects of my father's gravest
condemnation and rebuke. The way in which he spoke about these matters
showed me that they formed one of the most oppressive and difficult
parts of human conduct; and, in my youth and innocence, I felt a deep
pain and sorrow that man alone, among all creatures, should be doomed to
these separations of sex, whereby the right path was made so difficult
for him to find. I felt it a real necessity for the satisfaction of my
heart and mind to reconcile this difficulty, and yet could find no way
to do so. How could I at that age, and in my position? But my eldest
brother, who, like all my elder brothers, lived away from home, came to
stay with us for a time; and one day, when I expressed my delight at
seeing the purple threads of the hazel buds, he made me aware of a