dispatch wanted to secure an Old Master he, doubtless, would hire a
canal boatman to pass judgment upon the painting before he put his
money down.

* * * * *


Champagne and "Champagne"

It is customary for Americans to think that they get the best of
everything. There are Americans who _do_ get the best of everything,
but this is because they know what is best and are able and willing to
pay for it. But where hoi polloi thinks that it gets the best of
everything it is mistaken. Take champagne, for instance. "A large
bottle on the ice" is a common order in New York. To the waiter it
means a bottle of champagne. He may or may not ask if any particular
brand is required: that depends upon the quality of the hostelry in
which he is employed; also upon the quality of the customer. The
"large bottle" is forthcoming. It contains a label on which is printed
the maker's name.

The cork which comes out of the bottle is, generally, much larger
than the neck into which it has been forced. It is seldom that one
hears a buyer ask to see the cork. The average buyer of champagne
would not understand the cork's story. He is accustomed to large and
bulging corks and if he were to see an attenuated specimen, of dark
complexion and as hard as a piece of vulcanized rubber he would look
at it with great suspicion and, doubtless, refuse the wine. But an
experienced waiter will know his man and will bring him the sort of
"large bottle" to which he has been accustomed, though it will not be