(for religion is for the _whole_ man), I am too jealous of my reason to
exercise my will in the direction of my most heart-felt desires. For
assuredly the strongest desire of my nature is to find that that nature
is not deceived in its highest aspirations. Yet I cannot bring myself so
much as to make a venture in the direction of faith. For instance,
regarded from one point of view it seems reasonable enough that
Christianity should have enjoined the _doing_ of the doctrine as a
necessary condition to ascertaining (i.e. 'believing') its truth. But
from another, and my more habitual point of view, it seems almost an
affront to reason to make any such 'fool's experiment'--just as to some
scientific men it seems absurd and childish to expect them to
investigate the 'superstitious' follies of modern spiritualism. Even the
simplest act of will in regard to religion--that of prayer--has not been
performed by me for at least a quarter of a century, simply because it
has seemed so impossible to pray, as it were, hypothetically, that much
as I have always desired to be able to pray, I cannot will the attempt.
To justify myself for what my better judgement has often seen to be
essentially irrational, I have ever made sundry excuses. The chief of
them has run thus. Even supposing Christianity true, and even supposing
that after having so far sacrificed my reason to my desire as to have
satisfied the supposed conditions to obtaining 'grace,' or direct
illumination from God,--even then would not my reason turn round and
revenge herself upon me? For surely even then my habitual scepticism
would make me say to myself--'this is all very sublime and very
comforting; but what evidence have you to give me that the whole
business is anything more than self-delusion? The wish was probably
father to the thought, and you might much better have performed your
"act of will" by going in for a course of Indian hemp.' Of course a
Christian would answer to this that the internal light would not admit
of such doubt, any more than seeing the sun does--that God knows us well