for the money I am to reseeve ez copy-rite, else I hed never slung
together, in consecootive shape, the ijees wich I hev from time to time
flung out thro the public press, for the enlitenment uv an ongrateful
public and the guidance uv an obtoose Dimocracy.

I didn't put these thots uv mine upon paper for amoozement. There hezn't
bin anythin amoozin in Dimocrisy for the past five years, and the
standard-bearers, the captins uv fifties and hundreds, the leaders uv
the hosts, hev hed a ruther rough time uv it. Our prominence made us
uncomfortable, for we hev bin the mark uv every writer, every orator, ez
well ez uv every egg-thrower, in the country. When that gileless
patriot, Jeems Bookannon, retired to private life, regretted by all who
held office under him, Dimocracy felt that she wuz entrin upon a period
uv darknis and gloom. The effort our Suthern brethrin made for their
rites, rendered the position uv us Northern Dimocrats eggstremely
precarious. We coodent go back on our friends South, for, knowin that
peace must come, and that when it did come we wood hev to, ez in the
olden time, look to them for support and maintenance, it behooved us to
keep on their good side. This wood hev bin easy enuff, but alars! there
are laws agin treason, and two-thirds uv the misguided people north hed
got into a way uv thinkin that the Dimocrasy South had committed that
crime, and they intimated that ef we overstepped the line that divides
loyalty from treason by so much ez the millionth part uv a hair, they'd
make us suffer the penalty they hoped to mete out to them, but wich,
owin to Johnson, they dident, and wat's more, can't. Halleloogy!

But I anticipate. Twict I wuz drafted into a service I detested--twict I
wuz torn from the buzzum uv my family, wich I wuz gittin along well
enough, even ef the wife uv my buzzum wood occasionally git obstinit,
and refooze to give me sich washin money ez wuz nessary to my existence,