existence to take any further steps towards a matrimonial alliance,
she felt merely that Thomas either cared no more for her, or had come
to consider, upon due reflection, that she was not fit to undertake
the responsible position of a minister's wife. "It may be that in
some way I failed in my attendance upon Cousin Evelina," thought poor
young Evelina, "or it may be that he thinks I have not enough dignity
of character to inspire respect among the older women in the church."
And sometimes, with a sharp thrust of misery that shook her out of
her enforced patience and meekness, she wondered if indeed her own
loving freedom with him had turned him against her, and led him in
his later and sober judgment to consider her too light-minded for a
minister's wife. "It may be that I was guilty of great indecorum, and
almost indeed forfeited my claim to respect for maidenly modesty,
inasmuch as I suffered him to give me kisses, and did almost bring
myself to return them in kind. But my heart did so entreat me, and in
truth it seemed almost like a lack of sincerity for me to wholly
withstand it," wrote poor young Evelina in her journal at that time;
and she further wrote: "It is indeed hard for one who has so little
knowledge to be fully certain of what is or is not becoming and a
Christian duty in matters of this kind; but if I have in any manner,
through my ignorance or unwarrantable affection, failed, and so lost
the love and respect of a good man, and the opportunity to become his
helpmeet during life, I pray that I may be forgiven--for I sinned not
wilfully--that the lesson may be sanctified unto me, and that I may
live as the Lord order, in Christian patience and meekness, and not
repining." It never occurred to young Evelina that possibly Thomas
Merriam's sense of duty might be strengthened by the loss of all her
cousin's property should she marry him, and neither did she dream
that he might hesitate to take her from affluence into poverty for
her own sake. For herself the property, as put in the balance beside