On my way home from overseas I spent many happy hours mapping out a
campaign. To myself I said: "The day I land is going to be a great day
for some of the waiters and a hard day on some of the cooks. Persons
who happen to be near by when I am wrestling with my first ear of
green corn will think I am playing on a mouth organ. My behaviour in
regard to hothouse asparagus will be reminiscent of the best work of
the late Bosco. In the matter of cantaloupes I rather fancy I shall
consume the first two on the half shell, or _au naturel_, as we
veteran correspondents say; but the third one will contain about as
much vanilla ice cream as you could put in a derby hat.

[Illustration: "HERB, STAND BACK! STAND WELL BACK TO AVOID BEING
SPLASHED!"]

"And when, as I am turning over my second piece of fried chicken, with
Virginia ham, if H. Hoover should crawl out from under it, and,
shaking the gravy out of his eyes, should lift a warning hand, I shall
say to him: 'Herb,' I shall say, 'Herb, stand back! Stand well back
to avoid being splashed, Herb. Please desist and do not bother me now,
for I am busy. Kindly remember that I am but just returned from over
there and that for months and months past, as I went to and fro across
the face of the next hemisphere that you'll run into on the left of
you if you go just outside of Sandy Hook and take the first turn to
the right, I have been storing up a great, unsatisfied longing for the
special dishes of my own, my native land. Don't try, I pray you, to
tell me a patriot can't do his bit and eat it too, for I know better.

"'Shortly I may be in a fitter frame of mind to listen to your
admonitions touching on rationing schemes; but not to-day, and
possibly not to-morrow either, Herb. At this moment I consider food