"My cousin experienced some difficulty in securing the drunken father.
Most of the drunken fathers he interviewed upon the subject had a rooted
objection to being talked to at all. After a long search, however, he
discovered a mild little man, who, upon the lady's requirements and
charitable intentions being explained to him, undertook to qualify
himself for the vacancy by getting intoxicated at least once a week. He
said he could not promise more than once a week at first, he
unfortunately possessing a strong natural distaste for all alcoholic
liquors, which it would be necessary for him to overcome. As he got more
used to them, he would do better.

"Over the disagreeable old man, my cousin also had trouble. It was hard
to hit the right degree of disagreeableness. Some of them were so very
unpleasant. He eventually made choice of a decayed cab-driver with
advanced Radical opinions, who insisted on a three years' contract.

"The plan worked exceedingly well, and does so, my cousin tells me, to
this day. The drunken father has completely conquered his dislike to
strong drink. He has not been sober now for over three weeks, and has
lately taken to knocking his wife about. The disagreeable fellow is most
conscientious in fulfilling his part of the bargain, and makes himself a
perfect curse to the whole village. The others have dropped into their
respective positions and are working well. The lady visits them all
every afternoon, and is most charitable. They call her Lady Bountiful,
and everybody blesses her."

Brown rose as he finished speaking, and mixed himself a glass of whisky
and water with the self-satisfied air of a benevolent man about to reward
somebody for having done a good deed; and MacShaughnassy lifted up his
voice and talked.