strange passages and perils, secret disorders, vices more than suspected--
that would have accounted for a good deal more.

I scarce know how to put my story into words that shall be
a credible picture of my state of mind; but I was in these days
literally able to find a joy in the extraordinary flight of
heroism the occasion demanded of me. I now saw that I had been
asked for a service admirable and difficult; and there would
be a greatness in letting it be seen--oh, in the right quarter!--
that I could succeed where many another girl might have failed.
It was an immense help to me--I confess I rather applaud myself
as I look back!--that I saw my service so strongly and so simply.
I was there to protect and defend the little creatures in
the world the most bereaved and the most lovable, the appeal
of whose helplessness had suddenly become only too explicit,
a deep, constant ache of one's own committed heart.
We were cut off, really, together; we were united in our danger.
They had nothing but me, and I--well, I had THEM. It
was in short a magnificent chance. This chance presented
itself to me in an image richly material. I was a screen--
I was to stand before them. The more I saw, the less they would.
I began to watch them in a stifled suspense, a disguised
excitement that might well, had it continued too long,
have turned to something like madness. What saved me,
as I now see, was that it turned to something else altogether.
It didn't last as suspense--it was superseded by horrible proofs.
Proofs, I say, yes--from the moment I really took hold.

This moment dated from an afternoon hour that I happened
to spend in the grounds with the younger of my pupils alone.