my exterior offended me extremely. I well remember how, one day after
luncheon (I was then six years of age), the talk fell upon my personal
appearance, and how Mamma tried to find good features in my face, and
said that I had clever eyes and a charming smile; how, nevertheless,
when Papa had examined me, and proved the contrary, she was obliged to
confess that I was ugly; and how, when the meal was over and I went
to pay her my respects, she said as she patted my cheek; "You know,
Nicolinka, nobody will ever love you for your face alone, so you must
try all the more to be a good and clever boy."

Although these words of hers confirmed in me my conviction that I was
not handsome, they also confirmed in me an ambition to be just such
a boy as she had indicated. Yet I had my moments of despair at my
ugliness, for I thought that no human being with such a large nose, such
thick lips, and such small grey eyes as mine could ever hope to attain
happiness on this earth. I used to ask God to perform a miracle by
changing me into a beauty, and would have given all that I possessed, or
ever hoped to possess, to have a handsome face.




XVIII -- PRINCE IVAN IVANOVITCH

When the Princess had heard my verses and overwhelmed the writer of them
with praise, Grandmamma softened to her a little. She began to address
her in French and to cease calling her "my dear." Likewise she invited
her to return that evening with her children. This invitation having
been accepted, the Princess took her leave. After that, so many other
callers came to congratulate Grandmamma that the courtyard was crowded