me with a rapture, an ecstasy, and inflatus. With this inflatus, too, I
prayed. Next to myself I came and recalled myself, my bodily existence. I
held out my hand, the sunlight
gleamed on the skin and the iridescent nails; I recalled the mystery and
beauty of the flesh. I thought of the mind with which I could see the ocean
sixty miles distant, and gather to myself its glory. I thought of my inner
existence, that consciousness which is called the soul. These, that is,
myself-- I threw into the balance to weight the prayer the heavier. My
strength of body, mind and soul, I flung into it; I but forth my strength; I
wrestled and laboured, and toiled in might of prayer. The prayer, this
soul-emotion was in itself-not for an object-it was a passion. I hid my
face in the grass, I was wholly prostrated, I lost myself in the wrestle, I
was rapt and carried away.

Becoming calmer, I returned to myself and thought, reclining in rapt
thought, full of aspiration, steeped to the lips of my soul in desire. I
did not then define, or analyses, or understand this. I see now that what I
laboured for was soul-life, more soul-nature, to be exalted, to be full of
soul-learning. Finally I rose, walked half a mile or so along the summit of
the hill eastwards, to soothe myself and come to the common ways of life
again. Had any shepherd accidentally seen me lying on the turf, he would
only have thought that I was resting a few minutes; I made no outward show.
Who could have imagined the whirlwind of passion that was going on within me
as I reclined there! I was greatly exhausted when I reached home.

Occasionally I went upon the hill deliberately, deeming it good to do so;
then, again, this craving carried me away up there of
itself. Though the principal feeling was the same, there were
variations in the mode in which it affected me.