even no prayers, were longer of avail, and the idea of being wholly
abandoned by heaven, took possession of my mind.

All those wicked sophisms against a just Providence, which, while in
possession of reason, had appeared to me so vain and impious, now
recurred with redoubled power, in the form of irresistible
arguments. I struggled mightily against this last and greatest evil
I had yet borne, and in the lapse of a few days the temptation fled.
Still I refused to acknowledge the truth and beauty of religion; I
quoted the assertions of the most violent atheists, and those which
Julian had so recently dwelt upon: "Religion serves only to
enfeeble the mind," was one of these, and I actually presumed that
by renouncing my God I should acquire greater fortitude. Insane
idea! I denied God, yet knew not how to deny those invisible
malevolent beings, that appeared to encompass me, and feast upon my
sufferings.

What shall I call this martyrdom? is it enough to say that it was a
disease? or was it a divine chastisement for my pride, to teach me
that without a special illumination I might become as great an
unbeliever as Julian, and still more absurd. However this may be,
it pleased God to deliver me from such evil, when I least expected
it. One morning, after taking my coffee, I was seized with violent
sickness, attended with colic. I imagined that I had been poisoned.
After excessive vomiting, I burst into a strong perspiration and
retired to bed. About mid-day I fell asleep, and continued in a
quiet slumber till evening. I awoke in great surprise at this
unexpected repose, and, thinking I should not sleep again, I got up.
On rising I said, "I shall now have more fortitude to resist my
accustomed terrors." But they returned no more. I was in