that purpose she had combined all the virtues which I attached to my own
affection--namely, honour, delicacy, and truth, but her temperament, of
which her mind was the slave, carried her towards excess, and she
prepared everything in order to give way to it, while she awaited the
opportunity of making me her accomplice. She was coaxing love to make it
compliant, and to succeed in mastering it, because her heart, enslaved by
her senses, never reproached her. She likewise tried to deceive herself
by endeavouring to forget that I might complain of having been surprised.
She knew that to utter such a complaint I would have to acknowledge
myself weaker or less courageous than she was, and she relied upon my
being ashamed to make such a confession. I had no doubt whatever that the
absence of the ambassador had been arranged and concerted beforehand. I
could see still further, for it seemed evident to me that the two
conspirators had foreseen that I would guess the artifice, and that,
feeling stung to the quick, in spite of all my regrets, I would not shew
myself less generous than they had been themselves. The ambassador having
first procured me a delightful night, how could I refuse to let him enjoy
as pleasant a one? My friends had argued very well, for, in spite of all
the objections of my mind, I saw that I could not on my side put any
obstacle in their way. C---- C---- was no impediment to them. They were
certain of conquering her the moment she was not hindered by my presence.
It rested entirely with M---- M----, who had perfect control over her.
Poor girl! I saw her on the high road to debauchery, and it was my own
doing! I sighed when I thought how little I had spared them in our last
orgie, and what would become of me if both of them should happen to be,
by my doing, in such a position as to be compelled to run away from the
convent? I could imagine both of them thrown upon my hands, and the
prospect was not particularly agreeable. It would be an 'embarras de
richesse'. In this miserable contest between reason and prejudice,
between nature and sentiment, I could not make up my mind either to go to