"Are you suffering from indigestion, my poor fellow? Shall I get you
a little brandy? It isn't indigestion. Then what's the matter with
it? Why are you trying to hide it? It's nothing to be ashamed of.
We've all got one. Let it come forward man. Let's see it."

Having succeeded, with a few such kindly words, in getting his line
into order, he would proceed to recommend healthy exercise.

"Shoulder arms! Good, gentlemen, very good for a beginning. Yet
still, if I may be critical, not perfect. There is more in this
thing than you might imagine, gentlemen. May I point out to Private
Henry Thompson that a musket carried across the shoulder at right
angles is apt to inconvenience the gentleman behind. Even from the
point of view of his own comfort, I feel sure that Private Thompson
would do better to follow the usual custom in this matter.

"I would also suggest to Private St. Leonard that we are not here to
practice the art of balancing a heavy musket on the outstretched palm
of the hand. Private St. Leonard's performance with the musket is
decidedly clever. But it is not war.

"Believe me, gentlemen, this thing has been carefully worked out, and
no improvement is likely to result from individual effort. Let our
idea be uniformity. It is monotonous, but it is safe. Now, then,
gentlemen, once again."

The drill yard would be converted into a source of innocent delight
to thousands. "Officer and gentleman" would become a phrase of
meaning. I present the idea, for what it may be worth, with my
compliments, to Pall Mall.