possible; but I contrive to traverse it, or to wait in calmness for
access of strength.

When I was at my worst I went to see a doctor. He recommended me
stimulants. I had always been rather abstemious, and he thought I was
suffering from physical weakness. At first wine gave me relief, and
such marked relief that whenever I felt my misery insupportable I
turned to the bottle. At no time in my life was I ever the worse for
liquor, but I soon found the craving for it was getting the better of
me. I resolved never to touch it except at night, and kept my vow; but
the consequence was, that I looked forward to the night, and waited for
it with such eagerness that the day seemed to exist only for the sake
of the evening, when I might hope at least for rest. For the wine as
wine I cared nothing; anything that would have dulled my senses would
have done just as well.

But now a new terror developed itself. I began to be afraid that I was
becoming a slave to alcohol; that the passion for it would grow upon
me, and that I should disgrace myself, and die the most contemptible of
all deaths. To a certain extent my fears were just. The dose which
was necessary to procure temporary forgetfulness of my trouble had to
be increased, and might have increased dangerously.

But one day, feeling more than usual the tyranny of my master, I
received strength to make a sudden resolution to cast him off utterly.
Whatever be the consequence, I said, I will not be the victim of this
shame. If I am to go down to the grave, it shall be as a man, and I
will bear what I have to bear honestly and without resort to the base
evasion of stupefaction. So that night I went to bed having drunk
nothing but water. The struggle was not felt just then. It came