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The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 2: War by Artemus Ward
page 39 of 71 (54%)
eclipse them in the most signal manner. It is my privilege to
tell how W-- succeeded in this determination.

The great day came. It was ushered in by the roar of
musketry, the ringing of the village church bell, the
squeaking of fifes, and the rattling of drums.

People poured into the village from all over the county.
Never had W-- experienced such a jam. Never had there been
such an onslaught upon gingerbread carts. Never had New
England rum (for this was before Neal Dow's day) flowed so
freely. And W--'s fair daughters, who mounted the house-tops
to see the surrender, had never looked fairer. The old folks
came, too, and among them were several war-scarred heroes, who
had fought gallantly at Monmouth and Yorktown. These brave
sons of '76 took no part in the demonstration, but an honored
bench was set apart for their exclusive use on the piazza of
Sile Smith's store. When they were dry all they had to do was
to sing out to Sile's boy, Jerry, "a leetle New Englan' this
way, if YOU please." It was brought forthwith.

At precisely 9 o'clock, by the schoolmaster's new "Lepeen"
watch, the American and British forces marched on to the
village green and placed themselves in battle array, reminding
the spectator of the time when

"Brave Wolfe drew up his men
In a style most pretty,
On the Plains of Abraham
Before the city."
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