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The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 7: Miscellaneous by Artemus Ward
page 44 of 76 (57%)
people fight shy of the boxes.

The play is about a servant girl, who comes to the metropolis from
the agricultural districts in short skirts, speckled hose, and a
dashing little white hat, gaily decked with pretty pink ribbons--
that being the style of dress invariably worn by servant girls
from the interior. She is accompanied by a chaste young man in a
short-tailed red coat, who, being very desirous of protecting her
from the temptations of a large city, naturally leaves her in the
street and goes off somewhere. Servant girl encounters an elderly
female, who seems to be a very nice sort of person indeed, but the
young man in a short-tailed coat comes in and thrusts the elderly
female aside, calling her "a vile hag." This pleases the pit,
which is ever true to virtue, and it accordingly cries "Hi! hi! hi!"

A robber appears. The idea of a robber in times like these is
rather absurd. The most adroit robber would eke out a miserable
subsistence if he attempted to follow his profession now-a-days. I
should prefer to publish a daily paper in Chelsea. Nevertheless,
here is a robber. He has been playing poker with his "dupe," but
singularly enough the dupe has won all the money. This displeases
the robber, and it occurs to him that he will kill the dupe. He
accordingly sticks him. The dupe staggers, falls, says "Dearest
Eliza!" and dies. Cries of "Hi! hi! hi!" in the pit, while a
gentleman with a weed on his hat, in the boxes, states that the
price of green smelts is five cents a quart. This announcement is
not favorably received by the pit, several members of which come
back at the weeded individual with some advice in regard to
liquidating a long-standing account for beans and other refreshments
at an adjacent restaurant.
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