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My Discovery of England by Stephen Leacock
page 108 of 149 (72%)
But in reality the whole business of being a public lecturer is one
long variation of boredom and fatigue. So I propose to set down here
some of the many trials which the lecturer has to bear.

The first of the troubles which any one who begins giving public
lectures meets at the very outset is the fact that the audience
won't come to hear him. This happens invariably and constantly,
and not through any fault or shortcoming of the speaker.

I don't say that this happened very often to me in my tour in
England. In nearly all cases I had crowded audiences: by dividing
up the money that I received by the average number of people present
to hear me I have calculated that they paid thirteen cents each.
And my lectures are evidently worth thirteen cents. But at home in
Canada I have very often tried the fatal experiment of lecturing
for nothing: and in that case the audience simply won't come. A
man will turn out at night when he knows he is going to hear a
first class thirteen cent lecture; but when the thing is given for
nothing, why go to it?

The city in which I live is overrun with little societies, clubs
and associations, always wanting to be addressed. So at least it
is in appearance. In reality the societies are composed of presidents,
secretaries and officials, who want the conspicuousness of office,
and a large list of other members who won't come to the meetings.
For such an association, the invited speaker who is to lecture for
nothing prepares his lecture on "Indo-Germanic Factors in the
Current of History." If he is a professor, he takes all the winter
at it. You may drop in at his house at any time and his wife will
tell you that he is "upstairs working on his lecture." If he comes
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