undertaking. In the first place, the matter had been begun, and
false shame would have prevented my abandoning it; in the second
place, not only the success of this scheme, but the very fact that I
was busying myself with it, afforded me the possibility of continuing
to live in the conditions under which I was then living; failure
entailed upon me the necessity of renouncing my present existence and
of seeking new paths of life. And this I unconsciously dreaded, and
I could not believe the inward voice, and I went on with what I had
begun.

Having sent my article to the printer, I read the proof of it to the
City Council (Dum). I read it, stumbling, and blushing even to
tears, I felt so awkward. And I saw that it was equally awkward for
all my hearers. In answer to my question at the conclusion of my
reading, as to whether the superintendents of the census would accept
my proposition to retain their places with the object of becoming
mediators between society and the needy, an awkward silence ensued.
Then two orators made speeches. These speeches in some measure
corrected the awkwardness of my proposal; sympathy for me was
expressed, but the impracticability of my proposition, which all had
approved, was demonstrated. Everybody breathed more freely. But
when, still desirous of gaining my object, I afterwards asked the
superintendents separately: Were they willing, while taking the
census, to inquire into the needs of the poor, and to retain their
posts, in order to serve as go-betweens between the poor and the
rich? they all grew uneasy again. They seemed to say to me with
their glances: "Why, we have just condoned your folly out of respect
to you, and here you are beginning it again!" Such was the
expression of their faces, but they assured me in words that they
agreed; and two of them said in the very same words, as though they