my youth, had I so little impatience for a happiness I had never tasted
but in idea? How could I see the moment advancing with more pain than
pleasure? Why, instead of transports that should have intoxicated me
with their deliciousness, did I experience only fears and repugnance?
I have no doubt that if I could have avoided this happiness with any
degree of decency, I should have relinquished it with all my heart.
I have promised a number of extravagancies in the history of my
attachment to her; this certainly is one that no idea could be formed of.

The reader (already disgusted) supposes, that being in the situation I
have before described with Claude Anet, she was already degraded in my
opinion by this participation of her favors, and that a sentiment of
disesteem weakened those she had before inspired me with; but he is
mistaken. 'Tis true that this participation gave me a cruel uneasiness,
as well from a very natural sentiment of delicacy, as because it appeared
unworthy both of her and myself; but as to my sentiments for her, they
were still the same, and I can solemnly aver, that I never loved her more
tenderly than when I felt so little propensity to avail myself of her
condescension. I was too well acquainted with the chastity of her heart
and the iciness of her constitution, to suppose a moment that the
gratification of the senses had any influence over her; I was well
convinced that her only motive was to guard me from dangers, which
appeared otherwise inevitable, by this extraordinary favor, which she did
not consider in the same light that women usually do; as will presently
be explained.

The habit of living a long time innocently together, far from weakening
the first sentiments I felt for her, had contributed to strengthen them,
giving a more lively, a more tender, but at the same time a less sensual,
turn to my affection. Having ever accustomed myself to call her Mama (as