happened so, I wish I had been kinder, more just, more self-
restrained, more strong. I am ashamed, because I condemn myself,
and because I know that those whom I love and honour would condemn
me, if they knew all. But I do not, therefore, lose all hope of
myself, nor do I think that God will not show me how to be
different. If it can only be done by suffering, I dread the
suffering, but I am ready to suffer if I can become what I should
wish to be. But I do not for a moment think that God will cast me
off or turn His face away from me because I have sinned; and I can
pray that He will lead me into light and strength.

And thus it is not my vulnerability that I dread; I rather welcome
it as a sign that I may learn the truth so. And I will not look
upon my desire for pleasant things as a proof that I am evil, but
rather as a proof that God is showing me where happiness lies, and
teaching me by my mistakes to discern and value it. He could make
me perfect if He would, in a single instant. But the fact that He
does not, is a sign that He has something better in store for me
than a mere mechanical perfection.






V

THE USE OF FEAR