in my studies, was due to the inordinate effect this artistic
interpretation had upon me. I did not know where to turn, or how
to set about producing something myself which might place me in
direct contact with the impression I had received, while
everything that could not be brought into touch with it seemed to
me so shallow and meaningless that I could not possibly trouble
myself with it. I should have liked to compose a work worthy of a
Schroder-Devrient; but as this was quite beyond my power, in my
head-long despair I let all artistic endeavour slide, and as my
work was also utterly insufficient to absorb me, I flung myself
recklessly into the life of the moment in the company of
strangely chosen associates, and indulged in all kinds of
youthful excesses.

I now entered into all the dissipations of raw manhood, the
outward ugliness and inward emptiness of which make me marvel to
this day. My intercourse with those of my own age had always been
the result of pure chance. I cannot remember that any special
inclination or attraction determined me in the choice of my young
friends. While I can honestly say that I was never in a position
to stand aloof out of envy from any one who was specially gifted,
I can only explain my indifference in the choice of my associates
by the fact that through inexperience regarding the sort of
companionship that would be of advantage to me, I cared only to
have some one who would accompany me in my excursions, and to
whom I could pour out my feelings to my heart's content without
caring what effect it might have upon him. The result of this was
that after a stream of confidences to which my own excitement was
the only response, I at length reached the point when I turned
and looked at my friend; to my astonishment I generally found