And first, to speak of that about my questioning my election, I
found at this time, that though I was in a flame to find the way to
heaven and glory, and though nothing could beat me off from this,
yet this question did so offend and discourage me, that I was,
especially sometimes, as if the very strength of my body also had
been taken away by the force and power thereof. This scripture did
also seem to me to trample upon all my desires; It is not of him
that willeth, nor of him that runneth; but of God that showeth
mercy. Rom. ix. 16.

59. With this scripture I could not tell what to do: for I
evidently saw, unless that the great God, of His infinite grace and
bounty, had voluntarily chosen me to be a vessel of mercy, though I
should desire, and long, and labour until my heart did break, no
good could come of it. Therefore this would stick with me, How can
you tell that you are elected? And what if you should not? How
then?

60. O Lord, thought I, what if I should not indeed? It may be you
are not, said the Tempter; it may be so indeed, thought I. Why
then, said Satan, you had as good leave off, and strive no farther;
for if indeed, you should not be elected and chosen of God, there
is no talk of your being saved; For it is not of him that willeth,
nor of him that runneth; but of God that showeth mercy.

61. By these things I was driven to my wits' end, not knowing what
to say, or how to answer these temptations: (indeed, I little
thought that Satan had thus assaulted me, but that rather it was my
own prudence thus to start the question): for that the elect only
attained eternal life; that, I without scruple did heartily close