"What are you doing, sir," gasped the astonished General.

"Obeying orders, sir," replied the captain, in a firm voice: "You told us
to treat the dinner as we would the enemy, and you know, General, what we
can't kill we capture."


95. A SPEECH FROM THE REAR PLATFORM

An Irish street-car conductor called out shrilly to the passengers standing
in the aisle:

"Will thim in front plaze to move up, so that thim behind can take the
places of thim in front, an' lave room for thim who are nayther in front
nor behind?"


96. A WAY OUT OF IT

"What's the matter with you," asked a gentleman of a friend whom he met.
"You looked puzzled and worried."

"I am," said the friend. "Maybe you can help me out"

"Well, what is it?"

"I am subject at intervals," said the friend, "to the wildest craving
for beefsteak and onions. It has all the characteristics of a confirmed
drunkard's craving for rum. This desire came upon me a few minutes ago, and
I determined to gratify it. Then suddenly I remembered that I had promised