Father was in one. If I could only find out. But I can't ask, for if I
did I should betray Robert. When he sees me he always presses my left
wrist without letting anyone see. He said that is the warning to me to
be silent. But he needn't do that really, for I never would betray him
whatever happened. He said: The pain is to bind you to me. When he says
that his eyes grow dark, quite black, although his eyes are really grey
and they get very large. Especially in the evening when we say goodbye,
it frightens me. I'm always dreaming of him.

August 18th. Yesterday evening we had illuminations in honour of the
emperor's birthday. We didn't get home until half past twelve. At first
we went to a concert in the park and to the illuminations. They fired
salutes from the hills and there were beacons flaring on the hill-tops;
it was rather creepy although it was wonderful. My teeth chattered once
or twice, I don't know whether I was afraid something would happen or
why it was. Then R. came and talked such a lot. He is set on going into
the army. For that he needn't learn so much, and what he's learning now
is of no use to him. He says that doesn't matter, that knowledge will
give him a great pull. I don't think he looks stupid, though Oswald says
so to make me angry. All at once we found ourselves quite away from the
others and so we sat on a bench to wait for them. Then I asked R. once
more about the other societies, the ones in which they do such improper
things. But he wouldn't tell me for he said he would not rob me of my
innocence. I thought that very stupid, and I said that perhaps he didn't
know himself and it was all put on. All that happened, he said, was that
anyone who joined the society was tickled until he couldn't stand it any
longer. And once one of them got St. Vitus's dance, that is frightful
convulsions and they were afraid that everything would come out. And
since then in their society no more tickling had been allowed. Shall
I tickle you a little? I don't understand you, I said, and anyhow you