was true, his knowledge of psychology enabled him to modify the statement
that dreams are thoughts; dreams are fancies, he mused, creations of the
imagination; but God has no regard for words! Logic taught him that there
was something unnatural in his premature desires. He could not marry at
the age of sixteen, since he was unable to support a wife; but why he was
unable to support a wife, although he felt himself to be a man, was a
problem which he could not solve. However anxious he might be to get
married, the laws of society which are made by the upper classes and
protected by bayonets, would prevent him. Consequently nature must have
been sinned against in some way, for a man was mature long before he was
able to earn a living. It must be degeneracy. His imagination must be
degenerate; it was for him to purify it by prayer and sacrifice.

When he arrived home, he found his father and sisters at supper. He
was ashamed to sit down with them, for he felt degraded. His father
asked him, as usual, whether the date of the confirmation had been
fixed. Theodore did not know. He touched no food, pretending that he
was not well; the truth was that he did not dare to eat any supper. He
went into his bedroom and read an essay by Schartau which the minister
had lent him. The subject was the vanity of reason. And here, just
here, where all his hopes of arriving at a clear understanding were
centred, the light failed. Reason which he had dared to hope would
some day guide him out of the darkness into the light, reason, too,
was sin; the greatest of all sins, for it questioned God's very
existence, tried to understand what was not meant to be understood.
Why _it_ was not meant to be understood, was not explained; probably
it was because if _it_ had been understood the fraud would have been
discovered.

He rebelled no longer, but surrendered himself. Before going to bed he