sign. Whin th' man gets through he goes to th' window an' waits to see
whether th' polisman that wint into th' saloon is afther a dhrink or
sarvin' a warrant. If he comes r-right out 'tis a warrant. Thin he sets
back in a chair an' figures out that th' pitchers on th' wall pa-aper
ar-re all alike ivry third row. Whin his mind is thurly tuned up be
these inthricate problems, he dashes to his desk an' writes what you an'
I read th' nex' day in th' pa-apers."

"Clarence Pontoon, th' military expert iv th' London Mornin' Dhram,
reviewin' Gin'ral Buller's position on th' Tugela, says: 'It is manifest
fr'm th' dispatches tellin' that Gin'ral Buller has crost th' Tugela
River that Gin'ral Buller has crost th' Tugela River. This we r-read in
spite iv th' cinsor. Th' question is which side he has crost to. On
Friday he was on th' north side in th' mornin' an' on th' south side at
night, an' in th' river at noon. We heerd nawthin' Sathurdah mornin'.
Th' presumption is that they was nawthin' to hear. Therefore it is aisy
to imagine Gin'ral Buller, findin' his position on th' north side
ontenable an' his position on th' south side onbearable, is
thransportin' his troops up th' river on rafts an' is now engagin' th'
inimy between Spitzozone an' Rottenfontein, two imminsely sthrong
points. All this dimonsthrates th' footility an' foolishness iv
attimptin' to carry a frontal position agains' large, well-fed Dutchmen
with mud in th' fr-ront iv thim."

"'I cal'clate that it wud require thirty millyon thurly dauntless
Britions to ixicute such a manoover, tin Boers ar-rmed with pop bottles
bein' now considhered th' akel iv a brigade. What I wud do if I was
Buller, an' I thank Hivin I'm not, wud be move me ar-rmy in half-an-hour
over th' high but aisily accessible mountains to th' right iv
Crowrijoy's forces, an' takin' off me shoes so he cudden't hear thim