which I felt for having offended God, dreading it as a great
chastisement. This grew upon me afterwards to so great a degree,
that I know of no torment wherewith to compare it; and yet it was
neither more nor less because of any fear I had at any time, for
it came upon me only when I remembered the consolations of our
Lord which He gave me in prayer, the great debt I owed Him, the
evil return I made: I could not bear it. I was also extremely
angry with myself on account of the many tears I shed for my
faults, when I saw how little I improved, seeing that neither my
good resolutions, nor the pains I took, were sufficient to keep
me from falling whenever I had the opportunity. I looked on my
tears as a delusion; and my faults, therefore, I regarded as the
more grievous, because I saw the great goodness of our Lord to me
in the shedding of those tears, and together with them such
deep compunction.

6. I took care to go to confession as soon as I could; and, as I
think, did all that was possible on my part to return to a state
of grace. But the whole evil lay in my not thoroughly avoiding
the occasions of sin, and in my confessors, who helped me so
little. If they had told me that I was travelling on a dangerous
road, and that I was bound to abstain from those conversations, I
believe, without any doubt, that the matter would have been
remedied, because I could not bear to remain even for one day in
mortal sin, if I knew it.

7. All these tokens of the fear of God came to me through prayer;
and the greatest of them was this, that fear was swallowed up of
love--for I never thought of chastisement. All the time I was so
ill, my strict watch over my conscience reached to all that is