of myself.

9. O my God, I amazed at the hardness of my heart amidst so many
succours from Thee. I am filled with dread when I see how little
I could do with myself, and how I was clogged, so that I could
not resolve to give myself entirely to God. When I began to read
the Confessions, I thought I saw myself there described, and
began to recommend myself greatly to this glorious Saint. When I
came to his conversion, and read how he heard that voice in the
garden, it seemed to me nothing less than that our Lord had
uttered it for me: I felt so in my heart. I remained for some
time lost in tears, in great inward affliction and distress. O my
God, what a soul has to suffer because it has lost the liberty it
had of being mistress over itself! and what torments it has to
endure! I wonder now how I could live in torments so great: God
be praised Who gave me life, so that I might escape from so fatal
a death! I believe that my soul obtained great strength from His
Divine Majesty, and that He must have heard my cry, and had
compassion upon so many tears.

10. A desire to spend more time with Him began to grow within me,
and also to withdraw from the occasions of sin: for as soon as I
had done so, I turned lovingly to His Majesty at once.
I understood clearly, as I thought, that I loved Him; but I did
not understand, as I ought to have understood it, wherein the
true love of God consists. I do not think I had yet perfectly
disposed myself to seek His service when His Majesty turned
towards me with His consolations. What others strive after with
great labour, our Lord seems to have looked out for a way to make
me willing to accept--that is, in these later years to give me