the desire of eternal things, as well as to banish in some
measure the great dislike I had to be a nun, which had been very
great; and if I saw any one weep in prayer, or devout in any
other way, I envied her very much; for my heart was now so hard,
that I could not shed a tear, even if I read the Passion through.
This was a grief to me.

2. I remained in the monastery a year and a half, and was very
much the better for it. I began to say many vocal prayers, and
to ask all the nuns to pray for me, that God would place me in
that state wherein I was to serve Him; but, for all this, I
wished not to be a nun, and that God would not be pleased I
should be one, though at the same time I was afraid of marriage.
At the end of my stay there, I had a greater inclination to be a
nun, yet not in that house, on account of certain devotional
practices which I understood prevailed there, and which I thought
overstrained. Some of the younger ones encouraged me in this my
wish; and if all had been of one mind, I might have profited by
it. I had also a great friend [2] in another monastery; and this
made me resolve, if I was to be a nun, not to be one in any other
house than where she was. I looked more to the pleasure of sense
and vanity than to the good of my soul. These good thoughts of
being a nun came to me from time to time. They left me very
soon; and I could not persuade myself to become one.

3. At this time, though I was not careless about my own good, our
Lord was much more careful to dispose me for that state of life
which was best for me. He sent me a serious illness, so that I
was obliged to return to my father's house.