I also began to be afraid that, if I were then to die, I should
go down to hell. Though I could not bend my will to be a nun, I
saw that the religious state was the best and the safest.
And thus, by little and little, I resolved to force myself
into it.

7. The struggle lasted three months. I used to press this reason
against myself: The trials and sufferings of living as a nun
cannot be greater than those of purgatory, and I have well
deserved to be in hell. It is not much to spend the rest of my
life as if I were in purgatory, and then go straight to
Heaven--which was what I desired. I was more influenced by
servile fear, I think, than by love, to enter religion.

8. The devil put before me that I could not endure the trials of
the religious life, because of my delicate nurture. I defended
myself against him by alleging the trials which Christ endured,
and that it was not much for me to suffer something for His sake;
besides, He would help me to bear it. I must have thought so,
but I do not remember this consideration. I endured many
temptations during these days. I was subject to fainting-fits,
attended with fever,--for my health was always weak. I had
become by this time fond of good books, and that gave me life.
I read the Epistles of St. Jerome, which filled me with so much
courage, that I resolved to tell my father of my purpose,--which
was almost like taking the habit; for I was so jealous of my
word, that I would never, for any consideration, recede from a
promise when once my word had been given.

9. My father's love for me was so great, that I could never