and that would not be much to suffer because of the many offences
against Thee which I have committed since that day. It seems to
me now that I had good reasons for not wishing for this dignity,
seeing that I have made so sad a use of it. But Thou, O my Lord,
hast been willing to bear with me for almost twenty years of my
evil using of Thy graces, till I might become better. It seems
to me, O my God, that I did nothing but promise never to keep any
of the promises then made to Thee. Yet such was not my
intention: but I see that what I have done since is of such a
nature, that I know not what my intention was. So it was and so
it happened, that it may be the better known, O my Bridegroom,
Who Thou art and what I am.

5. It is certainly true that very frequently the joy I have in
that the multitude of Thy mercies is made known in me, softens
the bitter sense of my great faults. In whom, O Lord, can they
shine forth as they do in me, who by my evil deeds have shrouded
in darkness Thy great graces, which Thou hadst begun to work in
me? Woe is me, O my Maker! If I would make an excuse, I have
none to offer; and I only am to blame. For if I could return to
Thee any portion of that love which Thou hadst begun to show unto
me, I would give it only unto Thee, and then everything would
have been safe. But, as I have not deserved this, nor been so
happy as to have done it, let Thy mercy, O Lord, rest upon me.

6. The change in the habits of my life, and in my food, proved
hurtful to my health; and though my happiness was great, that was
not enough. The fainting-fits began to be more frequent; and my
heart was so seriously affected, that every one who saw it was
alarmed; and I had also many other ailments. And thus it was I