[11] Dmitry. My father's brother Dmitry died in 1856;
Nikolai died September 20, 1860.


"I admired his handsome exterior, his singing,--he was always
a singer,--his drawing, his gaiety, and above all, however strange
a thing it may seem to say, the directness of his egoism. [12]

[12] That is to say, his eyes went always on the straightest
road to attain satisfaction for himself.


"I always remembered myself, was aware of myself, always
divined rightly or wrongly what others thought about me and felt
toward me; and this spoiled the joy of life for me. This was
probably the reason why I particularly delighted in the opposite of this in
other people; namely, directness of egoism. That is what I
especially loved in Seryozha, though the word 'loved' is
inexact.

"I loved Nikolenka, but I admired Seryozha as
something alien and incomprehensible to me. It was a human life
very beautiful, but completely incomprehensible to me, mysterious,
and therefore especially attractive.

"He died only a few days ago, and while he was ill and while
he was dying he was just as inscrutable and just as dear to me as
he had been in the distant days of our childhood.

"In these latter days, in our old age, he was fonder of me,